Find Your Light

You never know what someone has been through. They can tell you their past, but they can be selective about it. The happy, extraverted, confident person you know - and may think you know inside and out - may not have always been like that, and might even not be like that at all now, either.

People have told me I'm lucky and they wish they had my confidence. In university I've met so many people and I'd struggle to find one that said I was shy, anxiety-ridden or introverted. In reality, I have not always been the person I am now, and sometimes I still struggle.

At 19, I was in a bad place. I had no future plans, I'd withdrawn my application to university, and I was a year behind at sixth form due to clinical depression. If someone told me aged 19 I'd be sat writing this the day after I'd moved out of university, due to graduate in 11 days with an upper second class honours degree with qualified teacher status, I'd have laughed and thought it was a sick joke. Things do change. As a person, you can overcome your own mind. Your current situation is not your forever situation.

During my time at sixth form, I filed into an all-girls friendship group. I had never been in this situation before, but due to being a new girl from a different town, I slotted into the first group of people that would have me. I was laden with depression and chronic anxiety, so acceptance was my key to happiness at that point. In my first sixth form, I was predicted A*AA at A-Level. In my new one, I gained BCD. In the eyes of every stakeholder that had ever had faith in me, I'd let them down. Of course, I hadn't really. I had a fully psychology A-Level under my belt at 17, and I'd gained 3 more full A-Levels after a major set back and with absolutely atrocious mental health issues. However, in my eyes at the time, I was a lost cause. This was heightened by the fact that on results day 2015, the Head of sixth form had shaken the hands of everyone and congratulated them. Everyone except me. I got home and broke down.

I wallowed in my self-pity at home, and thought I had no future ahead of me. I remembered discussing with my form tutor the idea of primary school teaching due to a vested interest from volunteering with rainbows for 5 years, but when you have depression you can't look ahead, so I never thought I could become a teacher. I sat with my envelope of results for hours. I looked at my dog and took a depression nap. Sometimes it's easier to go to sleep where your mind can't take over your thoughts and bully you into thinking you're not enough for this world, when in reality, you are.

I don't remember what spark lit up in me after my nap on results day 2015. Something told me I had nothing left in me, but some small part of me knew I had that potential and fire that I once had in school when my expected grades were high. I picked up my phone with my newly acquired BCD (and A in psychology!) and rang Bangor University's clearing line - the best teacher training course in Wales, and one of the best in the UK. If it weren't for the lady on the phone who had faith in me and put me through to the School of Education, I wouldn't have got in.

From results day 2015, my life did a full U-Turn. I had a place at a university I actually wanted to go to. I was embarking on a career I didn't think I was capable of. I was starting a new chapter.

You can find your light in the small things in life

University allowed me to reinvent myself. I was on a heavy dose of anti-depressants for my first year, but that was the only connection I had to my sixth-form life. I could put on a brave face and become the person I wanted to be. It was my stepping stone to recovery. 3 years on from that horrible day in 2015, I am 2 years medication-free, and graduating with a 2:1 with a fantastic job in Kuwait waiting for me next month. If I could go back and tell 19 year old Jenny that not only would I be graduating with a fantastic degree, but I'd be involved in events with the university, employed by Virgin as a Producer, a finalist in a national business showcase, winner of the 2018 Bangor Enterprise award and 6 stone lighter, I would - she deserves to know she found her light. I'm so glad she decided to stay.

Of course, I still have my off days, but your off days are exactly that - just days. These can be unexpected or set off by something, but I cope a lot better knowing there is hope and knowing there is a light at the end of the tunnel. If you suffer with a mental illness, all I can say is you will not be in this position forever. It took me over 4 years of depression to overcome it. I'm not saying it'll take you 4 years; it could be less, or much more, but there is always a light. Finding it will take time - it could be a form of exercise, a new passion or a new goal. Start finding the little things in your life that bring you comfort and joy, and the bigger things will follow and form around you. I'm not saying you need to go to university to recover, but there needs to be a catalyst. Your mental state can't change unless something inside you or your environment does.

Finally, don't be afraid to speak out. I wish I'd been more honest with my university friends and staff that I was suffering, but only 2 people knew I was on medication. We are so lucky to live in an age where the stigma around mental health is being broken down; although we have a long way to go, people will accept you and love you for who you are even if you're suffering. Whether it's anxiety, depression, or any other struggle, let someone know. That person can help ground you, be there as an outlet, or distract you when you need it.

I could not be more proud of myself to have come so far, and I promise, if you're suffering, one day you will be proud of yourself too.